Stock Market Jokes

Stock Market Jokes  

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The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

What’s the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock? In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.

My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it’s his!

Whats the difference between a Vail ski rentals instructor and an investor? The ski instructor was always broke.

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

A stockbroker is someone who invests your money till it’s all gone!

It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today!

I’m thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker’s wife. “All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be.”

Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before

There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.
1. Those who don’t know anything: approx. 10%
2. Those who know a little: approx. 10%
3. Those who don’t realize they don’t know anything: approx. 80%

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a stockbroker– he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed.”

I really didn’t know much about the stock market until becoming a senior in college. Here’s what happened.
There was this guy, Ed, in my dormitory the entire 4 years of college. He was the genius type with bad eyesight. He had these thick coke-bottle glasses and never went to class, but he always got A’s on every test. Instead of going to class, he just sat in his room and studied the stock market. He had stock charts all over the walls and even had a computer before you could even buy them in a store!
Upon reaching my senior year, I realized it was time to get serious about making a living, that I would need to go out and make some money. So I went down to talk to Ed.
“Ed,” I said. “I’ll work as hard as I have to. Tell me how I can end up with one million dollars in the stock market.” He scratched his head, then lowered his head and looked at me over the top of those thick glasses and said, “Start with $2 million.”
From Larry Klein’s collection

“I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?”
“Neither, just a plain simple ass.”
David Shay’s collection

The Walton’s invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.
Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, “Daddy is a fisherman!” To which Mrs.Walton replied, “Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman.”
“No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says ‘I just caught another fish’.”

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!”
The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!”

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.
“You are too theoretical,” he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: “I told you, I knew the secret!”
“What is your secret?” the analyst asked.
“It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine.”
“But, three and five is eight,” the analyst protested.
“I told you, you are too theoretical!” the broker replied, “Haven’t I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!”

Stockbroker’s creed: A man is a client until proven broke.

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
Mark Twain

A stockbroker says to his colleague, “I don’t think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time.”
“You’re right,” he replied. “My whole life all I’ve done is lose money”.
Next day he comes to work and resigns.
His coworker asks, “What are you going to do for living?”
“I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time.”
“I am going to build a web page and take it public.”

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, “Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away.” The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, “Let me tell you a secret. You know I’ve been married for 6 years now and I’ve been your client for 5 years.”
“Yes, go on,” the stockbroker says.
“Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress.”
“Wow, I didn’t know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it.”
“No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days.”

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: “Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?”
The guru replies: “I’m feeling rather hungry right now. You’d better cut it into eight pieces.”

A good old joke: A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, “Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers.” “And where are the yachts of the investors?” asked the naive visitor.

A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.
The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, “Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog”.
The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student.
The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, “Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot”.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it’s already burned out).

About Stocks Trading Strategies

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
Mae West

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
Clint Eastwood

Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
Lyndon B. Johnson

M Allen, Stock Market Timing
The best time to buy anything is last year.

The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.

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How do you make one million dollars in a month?

Start with five million and become a day trader.

I’ve always wanted to be an organ trader

But I didn’t have the stomach for it.

A recently fired stock trader said:

“This is worse than a divorce, I have lost everything and I still have my wife!” ?

A vegan, a Bitcoin trader, and somebody who didn’t vote in 2016 walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

A NYC cab driver is en route to pick up a passenger at the stock exchange

On his way, he keeps door-checking stock traders as he goes by, laughing his ass off.

As he pulls up, he notices his customer is a priest, so he internally curses – he can’t keep hitting stock brokers while he’s got a man of God in the car with him.

They exchange pleasantries and leave, and immediately he sees a young guy in an incredibly expensive suit walking across the street, chatting blithely on his phone, and the driver grits his teeth, doing his best to resist the urge to door-check him.

As they start to pass the stock broker, he exhales a sigh of relief when he hears a loud “THUMP” and looks back as the priest closes his door.

“What?” asked the priest, “I was afraid you’d miss him”.



These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.” The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. They guys asked, “What’s that board for?”

The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble.”

The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”

“Okay” they said, and left.

The following year one of the guys came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

The trader said, “Weren’t you here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah,” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I shot him”, said the guy.


“I caught him in bed with my board.”


Why are stock traders so good at sex?

Same principal, you gotta pull out at the right moment or it costs you.

A Bitcoin trader walks into a bar

He walks up to the bar, orders a whiskey, pays the bartender one bitcoin and says, “By this time tomorrow it might be worth a million bucks!”

The bartender pours him a glass of water and says, “By this time tomorrow it might be Scotch.”

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Trader: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.
Trader: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Trader: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second …

There’s a surgeon, an architect and an economist. The surgeon said, ‘Look, we’re the most important. God’s a surgeon because the very first thing God did was to extract Eve from Adam’s rib.’ The architect said, ‘No, wait a minute, God is an architect. God made the world in seven days out of chaos.’ The economist smiled, ‘And who made the chaos?’

The types of Capitalism:

You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads because you want 3 cows.

You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count again and learn you have 42 cows. You count again and learn you have 2 cows. You open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reports otherwise.

You have 2 cows. You worship them.

You have 2 cows. Both are mad.

Everyone thinks you have many cows. You tell them you have none but they don’t believe you and bomb the @#$%&! out of your country. You still have no cows but at least you are part of a democracy.

NewZealand Capitalism
You have 2 cows. The one on the left is looking pretty sexy…

You have 2 cows. Business seems good. You close the office and go for a few celebratory beers.

You have 2 cows. The Republicans say they are adequate but how can we make them more productive without incurring additional expense. The Democrats say the cows are tainted and we need more regulation, no profit incentive and another whole herd to give milk to the underprivileged and the swarms of illegals crossing our borders. Government statistics say we have 5 cows but a revision is forthcoming.

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The Top 10 Signs Your Significant Other is a Day Trader Joke

10) Makes plans to take you to dinner at either the Plaza or Burger King, depending on whether Bill Gates testifies that day.

09) In bed, never wants to hold a position for longer than a few minutes.

08) Leaps off high-rise with his laptop, makes $5,000 on way down.

07) When you ask if your butt looks big in these pants he says, “Sorry, I can’t say. I have insider information.”

06) Doesn’t seem to notice he’s been wearing the same robe and underwear for about a week now.

05) Looks nervous every time you mention the kids’ college fund.

04) Dinner last night: Duck a l’orange, caviar, creme brulee. Dinner tonight: Gruel.

03) Helps your kid make a sign: “LEMONADE: 1 7/16”

02) 12:41pm: Offers to trade some of his French fries for some of your onion rings. 12:47pm: Offers a few of the onion rings back to recoup lost French fry capital.


and the Number 1 Sign Your Significant Other is a Day Trader…

01) She ain’t yelling “Yahoo!” because of you, Big Guy.